So, I've decided to start posting my more creative dreams here. Here's the first. Hooray!
WARNING! Serious doses of CRACK ahead! Ye be warned!
So, it begins with me slaving in a corporate business type building, trying to straighten out file cabinets and such, when all of the sudden, Woody Woodpecker comes running in and knocks, like, three of them down. I'm pissed and curse up a storm, which gets the attention of Daisy Duck. She runs over and says, “Sir, you can't use that type of language while working at a Disney location.”
I'm all “Woody fucking Cockpecker just trashed my work, you stupid fowl!” Daisy shakes her head and finger at me, doing the “tsk, tsk” noise. She tells me to report to the big guns. Grumbling, I go to the next room to see my bosses: Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny. Yeah... Disney and Warner Bros working together. Right...
Mickey tells me, “So, we heard you were cussing.” and has on a “I'm sooooooo disappointed in you” face while Bugs is all grins and two thumbs up behind his back. Then he says, “We'll have to put you on suspension, young man.”
I say, “Whatev – hey, I'm a girl.”
Then Bugs (bless him) goes: “Not according to your goldenrod, pal.” And he WINKS at me while putting a carrot to his mouth in a VERY inappropriate way. Mickey seems to not notice his “partner” giving head to a carrot. But he was totally blushing, the pervert.
So, anyway, I got out of there to go serve my suspension time at the prescribed location. That turns out to be some sort of amusement/water park. I'm assigned to the water park side. Yay. And apparently the water park works like this: you wanna go swimming in the seemingly ocean like pool? Go right ahead. You don't want to get wet but want to talk to your friends who are? Then WALK ON WATER. Seriously. The best part? I was totally not freaked out by people walking on the water that others are swimming in, like, right underneath them.
But whatever. Also in the seemingly ocean like pool were structures like McDonald's play areas. Just without HIV infected needles and really clean. And on these structures were all kinds of people I really don't like: from OLPS, Chalmette, TV shows, movies, etc. So now I'm all pissed that I have to clean up after these people. But the best friggin part? My bosses were the stupid chicks from the TV show the HILLS! I was like, you've got to be kidding me. One of the blonde bimbos told me: “Um < insert long pause >Why don't you... < insert stare of extreme concentration that hurts rich girl's brain > go help Heidi < insert loooong pause > float on her raftie?”
...What?
I didn't know what she was talking about, but she shooed me away. I walk about three steps, and someone yells at me. “COME OVER HERE!” I go over to the banshee, cringing when I discover it's the Heidi chick from the Hills. She wants me to make her float. In the air. On a pool raft. By one of the structures. By getting under her. And FLAPPING my arms like WINGS.
And what do I do? JUST WHAT SHE FRIGGIN ASKS. [I know, I'm a lame ass loser T.T]
Turns out I can fly in my dreams. We're floating, her laying out to get some sun, me thinking of ways to blow up the park, when all of the sudden I see a fucking velociraptor walk on the structure right next to us. It looks at me, hisses, and begins to climb it, all serpent-like. Needless to say I freaked out, causing me to stop flapping my arms, which then causes me and the Hills chick to fall. Bad part? When we hit the water, it was rock solid. Hills chick cursed me out.
This is where I stupidly turn to her and say, “DID YOU NOT SEE THE FUCKING RAPTOR THERE! WHAT WE GONNA DO?!”
I get a blank stare and a shrug. But she does say this: “Me and the girls are going back to StarFleet. You deal with it.” She then proceeded to beam up to some star ship. Me = WTF?!
Then, while I'm still freaking out about a raptor loose in the park that NO ONE seems to see, Vin Diesel walks up to me and says in that grave voice of his: “There's a raptor up there, and it just killed < insert name of victim [which I won't reveal here cause it's super wtf and he's a friend on myspace so yeahshutup!] >”
I get pissed/worried/saddened/wth-ing and I say: “You fucking liar!”
He looks at me and, in complete deadpan grave voice, says: “Vin Diesel never lies, bitch. Here, see for yourself.” He gives me the Beast's mirror (from the Beauty and the Beast Disney movie) and I quickly yet hesitantly go,
“Show me what happened!” [Side note: I don't think the mirror works like that, but whatever.] The mirror shows me how < the inserted victim > was admiring the view from the railing on the top of the structure. He then walked away from it to “off-screen.” THEN the raptor, slithering like a snake, crawls over the structure's railing and jumps after him. A blood-curdling scream was heard. Mirror shows that stupid “this is just a test” color screen.
Angry, I throw the mirror down, and yell, epically. (Think DragonBall Z scream.) Vin Diesel shakes his head. Suddenly, that stupid fairy from the Legend of Zelda game appears, going on with “Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! < repeat a THOUSAND times > !” I grab for it to try to kill it when it says: “Left buttcheek pocket!” Intrigued, I dig in said pocket and find a friggin time-turner!
I then say, very seriously: “God bless you, Sonja! Hope this works.” I spin the little thing, and (after a nauseous blur of images) I'm watching myself fall from the sky, Hills chick falling with me. I decide the time-turner worked and rush to the top of the structure. I reach it just as the raptor lunges for < the inserted victim >.
In an epic feat that I wish was recorded to show off how badass I am, I take the dino by the head, yank it off < the inserted victim > and throw in at the railing, probably breaking one or two of it's bones. I then take it by the head, twist it so that I sever the spinal cord, then toss the dead creature over the railing. Hellz yeah!
After the little feat, I turn to < the inserted victim > . He smiles in thanks despite bleeding badly in the chest and stomach. I freak out again, rushing to his side and leading him gently to the stairs. Edward Cullen comes and is all: “Whoa, dudes, is he okay?”
Which gets an angry: “Call fucking 9-1-1, jackass!” and a kick to the butt. < the inserted victim > can't stand up straight any more so I decide to give him a piggyback ride down the structure. Now, despite lifting a friggin dead raptor over my head with ease, < the inserted victim's > weight gave me some trouble. But I got him to the ground floor, where his brother (who was totally wearing Shakespearian clothing and holding a baby Horta [Star Trek creature].) is all: “Are you okay?” said deadpan.
I made a face that said: Are you friggin serious? < the inserted victim > mumbles he's fine which I said was bullshit cause I noticed that he was wincing badly due to a broken rib, so I put him down. Tearing off fragments of the long skirt I was wearing [Don't judge me! It was a dream!] I wrap his wounds the best I could. [I'm sure I was thinking where the hell had I learned to be a doctor, but anyway.]
< the inserted victim > didn't look too good, and I was still all worried. (His jerk of a dream-brother just walked away.) I was trying to figure out what to do to help more when Optimus Prime walked by and said: “With great power comes great responsibility. Become the Dark Knight and ride into battle for Rohan and glory. Seek out the light! Tread the forest with care! Find the glass casket! Live long and prosper!” and then disappeared.
... W. T. F. was all that was on my mind. [Well, that, and Opitmus totally rips off lines from other movies.] But dream-me apparently understands nonsense like that cause I picked up < the inserted victim > bridal style and walked outside. Again, for someone who can whoop a raptor's ass, < the inserted victim > weight was still giving me extreme trouble. Each step was a labor.
It didn't help that right before I reached the door, Miley Virus and the Jonas Hags stepped in my way and starting screeching at the top of their lungs. But then the Bride from Kill Bill went all ninja/samurai on their asses. She looked at me, said: "The cake is a lie." and walked away. Yeah.
Finally reaching outside, I notice that there's a fence all around the establishment (which looked suspiciously like the outside of Chalmette High, except, uh, bigger). Upon closer inspection, I noticed that just outside the fence, zombies where stumbling about. Now, as if that wasn't bad enough, these were no ordinary zombies. These were fricken Marvel Superhero zombies! Me = AW SHIT!
Trying not to freak out as the theme from Resident Evil starts playing, I try to walk down the corridor-like pathway, clutching < the inserted victim > close to me in worry. The zombies get all “huuuuuuuuuh” on me and start stumbling toward me.
Me = AW DOUBLE SHIT! Luckily, though, Alice appears, says “There is no spoon,” gets out her guns from her CROTCH and walks through the fence to kill the zombies. After going wtf, I continue walking until it gets darker. < the inserted victim > mumbles incoherently, and I barely contain my worry that he's gonna die there in my arms. Suddenly, footsteps sounded as I reached an intersection in the corridor-like pathway. Whom do those footsteps belong to? Why, Severus Snape, of course!
Yeah... I know.
He's got his wand out, aglow, and is sneering at me. “Impudent brat. I'll allow you to pass since that boy is on his death bed.” He says as he moves aside for me to continue walking. I take this as a good sign I'm going in the right direction, but don't exactly move. [Friggin Severus Snape was in front of me, being all fine and shit in his black robes, and you want me to move?!] “Imbecile, hurry!” And he practically had to push me away.
< the inserted victim > mumbles something about actually meeting Professor Snape, but it was too low for me to really pick it up. So, I clutch him closer to me, knowing I had to keep pressure on his wounds. I walked through this curtain like thing and found myself in the friggin woods. A younger, hotter version of McGonagall was there to greet me.
“The things you see in a graveyard...” is what she said as she grabbed my arm. She leads me to this Aztec looking mound of rock, complete with many, many, many narrow stairs. I'm getting a little nervous. [You DO know what the Aztecs did on top of such structures, do you?] But she told me that I had to carry him all the way to the top if I wanted to save him.
And so the long trek began. Each step was bloody murder! < the inserted victim > felt like he was becoming heavier with each stride. Plus, just to piss me off, all kinds of characters (Iron Man, Cloud, Rocky, and Constantine to name a few) were moving to and fro at a merry strut. Seriously. Some event stopped to taunt me. Like Vegeta. He comes flying along, stops a few steps ahead of me, waits for me to catch up to him, only to sneer: “Hmph. Pansy.” And fly away at top speed!
[And like he has the right to call me pansy! I mean the guy is obsessed with Goku to the point of being gay for him and goes into a depression whenever he can't beat him or when Goku dies or disappears. But whatever, still love him.] But I was cursing him the hell out in my head. [Cause, you know, I was kinda busy trying not to pass out from over exertion. Which was stupid by the way cause < the inserted victim > is totally skinny. Well, he's taller than me, but still.]
After what seemed like eternity, I reach the top. And what do I find there? Snow White's glass casket, complete with little woodland creatures and flowers, and MEW-FRICKEN-TWO! That's right, a friggin pokemon was waiting for me.
He gestured for me to lay < the inserted victim > in the casket. I said hell no cause I wanted to save him, not let him die. He basically called me a stupid man and said that Spock told him to tell me that Bones' said to do it. Well, that sold me.
[What? I trust Bones!]
I did what I was told. Again. [Shut up!] Mist surrounded the casket, then. Mewtwo was pleased and told someone in the shadows: “The force is strong with this one.” I heard chuckling all around me, and out from the shadows stepped... Batman.
Hell yeah, that's right! The Goddamn Batman.
We kinda just stood around for a while. I pointed to a random pocket in Batman's utility belt and asked what was in it. He said Meow-mix. “... What for...?” I asked.
“That's personal.” He replied with a sideways glance. I suspected it might have something to do with Catwoman. But I didn't voice it.
Then Mewtwo suddenly announces: “It. Is. Finished.” And points to the casket. Batman vanishes. So does Mewtwo. I walk to the casket and wait. The mist that was around it clears and < the inserted victim > is just lying there, no more wounds threatening him. He looks at me, confused as fuck. I shrug. The Goblin King appears then, scaring us both, and says: “Ever dance, magic, dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”
< the inserted victim > responds: “Yeah, he told me you're gay.”
Jareth is all “So unfabulous!” and turns into an owl and flies away, shitting rainbows as he does. < the inserted victim > and I just look at each other. We shrug and proceed to walk down the stairs when the Sailor Scouts appeared, again scaring us both. They were all happy, yelling that I did a good thing by saving < the inserted victim's > life and began singing “we're all in this together.”
Buuuuuut, before they could reach the chorus, AndrAIa and Matrix (from the computer animated show Reboot) shoot them all dead. They walk away as if nothing happened, the song “don't you (forget about me)” from the Breakfast Club playing as they do.
< the inserted victim > turns to me and thanks me for saving him. I told him no biggie. We shake hands.
Then we were beamed aboard the USS Enterprise where Kirk and Spock (frighteningly dressed up as characters Cats the musical) ask for our aid in defeating a Klingon enemy known as Jenevein. Yeah.
Then, Wolverine, dressed as Lt. Uhura [let me tell you right now, NOT a pretty sight! Soooo much hair...] says we're being hailed. Vinnie Jones suddenly appears on the screen and shouts “WHO THE FUCK ARE YA?!” while Gir (from Invader Zim) sits on his shoulder and shouts "I HAVE A SAMMICH IN MY HEAD!"
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand then I woke up.
Soooo. . .
Conclusion?
I AM APPARENTLY A CRACK HEAD WHO KNOWS WAAAY TOO MANY GEEKY THINGS THAT BLEND TOGETHER IN MY SLEEP.
I ALSO APPARENTLY AM A PRETTY BADASS RAPTOR KILLER AND A FINE MEDICAL DOCTOR.
Yay?
That and the characters in my dream think I'm a guy, despite me wearing a skirt at some point. And that I would go through all that crap to save someone who barely considers me a friend. Yeah. . .
I hope your brain didn't break from overdosing on the crack that is MY BRAIN!
PEACE <3
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